Starting a Conversation That Matters
Notice the signs and check in
R U OK? Day 2026 falls on Thursday 10 September. Most of us already know the question: “Are you OK?” The difficult part is often not knowing what to say or do if the answer is “No.”
What if someone tells you they are struggling? How do you respond? What can you say next? And how can you offer support without feeling as though you need to have all the answers?
If you are concerned about someone, feel unsure about how to start the conversation, or would simply like some practical ideas for supporting someone who may be having a difficult time, this blog provides some guidance on what you can do next.
Lets remember - the day is a prompt
One day in September does not change how supported people feel at home or at work. The is a reminder of how important those ordinary conversations are. At home it is the conversations whilst, driving in the car, walking the dog and at the dinner table. At work it can be a brief meeting in the office kitchen while making a cuppa, in the ute on the way to site, or the quiet check-in at the end of the day. More importantly is doing a follow-up a week later that shows someone was actually paying attention. These ordinary moments are what count when we want to create a culture of mental wellbeing at home and at work.
Notice the change
Look for changes in behaviour from what is usual for that person. That change tends to show up in three places.
Behaviour, where someone becomes more withdrawn, unusually irritable, or starts avoiding people they normally associate with.
Emotions, where they seem flat, anxious, overwhelmed, or simply not themselves.
Functioning, where you see fatigue, concentration slipping, lateness or mistakes that are out of character.
One sign on its own may mean very little. A pattern, a shift, or your own sense that something is different is reason enough to check in.
Ask, simply and genuinely
Find an appropriate location and time to approach the person. The critical part is in the question. Asking simply “are you okay?” leaves space for the person to reply with a one word answer “Yes”. It can come across as a general statement which we do everyday with people we don’ t know well. We are not really interested, it’s just social etiquette. So this question in this context has to be framed by the concern you have from what you have noticed. Some examples:
“You haven’t seemed quite yourself lately. How are you going?”
“You’ve been very quiet lately. Are you ok?”
Three things make this question important.
Choosing a moment private enough to talk and long enough to hear the answer.
Saying what you actually noticed, specifically and without a label attached.
And being willing to ask a second time when the first answer is a reflex: “I’m asking because I’ve noticed a change. Are you sure you’re OK?”
Listen without trying to fix it
This is the part most of us get wrong, usually out of good intentions. The first task is understanding, not solving.
Most of the time people need someone to give them time, space and understanding. Some ways we can demonstrate this is to use open ended questions, reflecting back what you heard, tolerating a little silence, and being generally interested in the person and their experience.
Keep in mind that simply listening can be helpful in itself. It can reduce a person’s sense of isolation and often helps with working out what the next step might be.
WHAT NOT TO DO:
What tends to shut a conversation down, is telling the person “you’ll be right”, giving advice, comparing your situation with their’s, and minimising their experience. These interactions usually come from a place of good intentions where we want the other person to feel better. So in an attempt to reduce their distress, by saying these things, we may inadvertently shut the person down.
Connection
Support means staying human and helping someone reach appropriate help. It does not mean taking responsibility for treating the problem, and it does not mean carrying the situation on your own.
The practical version of this is a question rather than a referral: “What would be a useful next step from here?” or “Would it help if we found your GP’s details together?”. If your workplace has and Employee Assistance Program (EAP) you could assist the person in making contact by providing the number and being with them when they make the first call if they want this.
Act when safety is at risk
Statements about suicide, self-harm or immediate danger are taken seriously, every time. Ask the person directly about their intentions to self harm, or “kill” themselves. Stay with the person. Do not leave them alone until help has arrived. If you are at work follow your organisation’s escalation process. There is a duty of care to ensure the person is safely connected with appropriate support. This may include a medical service, psychologist, or a trusted family member or friend who can remain involved and help ensure they receive the professional assistance they need.
If life is in immediate danger, call 000. Lifeline is available 24/7 on 13 11 14.
Watch it, and download the handout
Scott Alfonso, Counsellor with Ashcliffe Psychology talks you through how to approach someone you are concerned about and how to have an important and genuine conversation when someone is struggling. He walks through five practical moves: Notice, Ask, Listen, Connect, Act.
Scott Alfonso presenting the Ashcliffe Psychology R U OK? Day 2026 session
Need something you can keep or share?
We've created a practical conversation guide summarising how to recognise when someone may be struggling, start the conversation, respond if they say they're not okay, and help them connect with further support. DOWNLOAD THE CONVERSATION GUIDE BELOW
You do not need the perfect words. You need to notice, care enough to ask, and stay engaged with the answer.
Need support now?
Emergency 000 · Lifeline 13 11 14 · Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 · Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 · MensLine Australia 1300 78 99 78 · 13YARN 13 92 76 · Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 · 1800RESPECT 1800 737 732
