Communication Barriers in Relationships

Well-known psychologist and relationship expert, John Gottman, has extensively studied communication patterns between partners.

He identified 4 dynamics that can predict the deterioration of a relationship. He coined the term ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ to describe these patterns. 

According to Gottman, these patterns have the power to rock the foundations of any relationship if left unchecked. The four horsemen – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – are described in further detail below.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse'

Criticism

Criticism involves making negative judgments about a partner's character or behaviour. It is different from constructive feedback as it does not focus on specific issues and is intended to hurt a partner’s core qualities and/or identity.

Criticism, as displayed by one partner, can lead to defensiveness in the other partner, creating a negative feedback loop. The criticised partner is likely to feel attacked and ay retaliate with defensiveness.

To avoid criticism, it is important for individuals to adopt a more expressive approach, using ‘I’ statements to express their needs. Try focusing on specific behaviours and events, rather than resorting to personal attacks about your partner’s overall character.

Contempt 

Contempt is an intense feeling of disrespect and superiority towards one's partner.

Contempt is based in feelings of resentment and can manifest in behaviours like sarcasm, mockery, and name-calling. These hostile behaviours indicate a lack of appreciation for your partners worth and they can be highly damaging to a relationship.

To mitigate contempt, it is important to it's important to acknowledge the presence of contemptuous behaviours. Aim to cultivate a pattern of respect, appreciation, and gratitude towards your partner.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a natural response when one feels attacked. It can happen in response to criticism as mentioned above.

Instead of taking ownership or responsibility for their actions, the defensive partner attempts to shift blame or makes excuses. This often leads to an ineffective resolution of issues or no resolution at all.

To build a healthy connection, first practice active listening and owning up to mistakes. Secondly, agree as a partnership to focus on finding solutions, rather than spending time defending oneself.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when a partner withdraws from a conversation or shuts down emotionally. It is often in response to feeling overwhelmed or flooded with negative emotions.

Stonewalling can leave the other partner feeling unheard and disconnected. This perpetuates the cycle of unresolved issues.

To reduce stonewalling, it is essential to take breaks during heated discussions.

Practice taking a 20-30min break when feeling emotional and then return to the conversation once both partners have had time to self-soothe.

Aim to communicate the need for pause and re-group, but also committing to return to the conversation with emotions are less reactive.

Conclusion

Recognising and addressing the four horsemen – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling - is key for maintaining healthy and meaningful relationships.

Open and respectful communication can go a long way in creating lasting intimacy between partners.

By practicing active listening and cultivating a culture of empathy and gratitude, couples can navigate relationship challenges in a healthy and nurturing way.  

Gottman's research offers valuable guidance on how to mitigate the impact of these destructive patterns that can erode the bonds between partners.

Written by Anya Hughes, Clinical Psychologist Registrar