They're a Narcissist

They’re a narcissist!

It’s a label used to explain away poor behaviour from demanding bosses, relationship breakdowns and interpersonal conflict between family members, partners (and ex partners) and colleagues. It’s become a popular and readily available term in recent years, to describe someone perceived as self-absorbed, egotistical, and uncaring. However Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition that is diagnosed by a comprehensive evaluation from a qualified health professional and indicates an individual that experiences substantial dysfunction in important areas of life. To use the term indiscriminately can be unhelpful, and in some cases harmful, to both the individual and the situation that requires resolution.

If you want to see a ‘true’ narcissist in action, observe a two-year-old child - a demanding, entitled, attention seeking little dictator that exhibits self-love with reckless abandon and a complete disregard for boundaries. Yet we don’t label a two-year-old a narcissist because their behaviours are developmentally appropriate. We expect that they will learn and adapt as they grow and experience life events to become more aware, considerate, and compassionate adults.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder

An individual with a disordered personality, on the other hand, is rigid and inflexible in the way they live and interact with others as an adult. They will repeatedly engage in the same, seemingly illogical, and destructive, patterns of behaviour across all interpersonal domains - at work, in friendships, and in the family. There is little regard for how their behaviours impact others, are usually performed for self-serving reasons, and therefore are frequently involved in interpersonal conflict. Despite the negative outcomes, they never seem to learn from their experiences; they don’t adapt, and they don’t change. When something goes wrong it’s never their fault. They are very difficult people to deal with indeed, constantly frustrating efforts to seek a peaceful and equitable resolution or create a harmonious relationship.

Although it is hard to empathise with people with NPD, to understand the forces that drive their behaviour can be the way to better manage and cope with them. However labelling others as such, whose behaviours may be operating from a different set of factors, can be unhelpful, and even harmful in multiple ways.

This also requires the need to self-reflect on how we may be inadvertently contributing to the problem because, you see, our own patterns of thinking and behaving plays a huge part in how we interpret and react to behaviours from others.

What can you do?

For example: you receive an email from a colleague that simply reads ‘I need to talk with you, right now!’

Now choose an emotion, let’s say ‘anger’. Now re-read that message from that emotion.

Next, read the sentence in the state of ‘sadness’. And now read it from a joyful perspective. Did that change the meaning of the sentence at all?

You see, we rarely view things in a neutral state. Often, we interpret information through an emotional filter. And that can be led by our expectations and beliefs about a person or situation. If these are persistently negative, then this can lead us in that direction with the outcome. And often this means we feel helpless and overwhelmed.

We can’t change how someone views a situation; However, we can influence an outcome by changing how we view it. The first thing to do is to stop using labels (even if it is only in our heads) when we consider this person. Accept that they are acting from their own motivations, values, and intentions, understand that it’s rarely personal even if it is selfish.

Next, determine what goal you want to achieve and what you need to get there. It may not be the preferred outcome, but by defining what you could realistically achieve with the difficult person in your life, and determining what resources you are able to access will bring a sense of personal control back in your life.

And having a genuinely neutral third party with which to brainstorm and generate options can be very helpful. Venting, brainstorming, gathering knowledge and generating possible ways to deal with a difficult person’s behaviours, then trialling and reviewing it, can bring back a sense of perspective that is far healthier for your peace of mind. Access your EAP Psychologist, find out what you can change, influence and cope with the difficult person in your life.

Written by Melissa Burns, Psychologist